I have an obsession with Instagram. Not just with Instagram in general, but with my own account. How vain, I know.
Today I posted an obligatory first-day-of-the-year photo. Then, as I always do, I went to my profile to see how it looked with all the other photos I've posted recently. And I noticed that the photos I've posted recently aren't always beautiful. Now sure, that may seem silly to you, but I like to share beautiful photos.
For a long time, I hardly ever posted photos. None of the photos I took were ever beautiful enough. I needed my life to appear beautiful. I needed the facade I put up to be pretty, and if my photos didn't fit that facade, I simply didn't post them. However, when I look at my feed, though my photos may not be gorgeous and awe-inspiring, I realized that I've been capturing beautiful moments. Oxford curled up in my lap, morning tea with my best friend, a newly released book I've been anxiously awaiting.
My facade has fallen. The world is finding out that my facade has been just that--fake. The secrets I've been hiding have been put on display for all to see. Everyone will soon know my life isn't a perfect picture.
In that, I find freedom. As my life turns upside down, I don't so much mind posting a not-perfect picture, because my life isn't perfect. There's no point in trying to hide that fact now. God has blessed me with amazing friends and family, and I'm finding the beauty in spending time with the ones I love.
But on the flip side I wonder, do I try to post more now to prove to people that, despite the fact that things aren't going so hot, I'm okay? Because I am. I'm okay. I don't think people believe me when I say that. I'm actually more than okay, but I don't tell most people that because I doubt they'll believe me. The ones close to me know it, though.
I'm tired of the pity. I don't want it. I don't want anyone to see me as broken. I'm not. Sure, things have been rough. There are changes happening in my life that I wouldn't consider to be for the better. But I trust that God has a plan for me (Jeremiah 29:11).
Whatever the true reason for my increased Instagram presence, and I'm sure it's a myriad of reasons blending together, the fact is that life can be beautiful, even through the dark times. I've been teaching myself to find at least one beautiful thing every single day, and I'm amazed at the different life perspective it's given me.
So this is what I'm going to do: First, I'm going to stop analyzing my social media habits because that's silly, amiright? Second, I'm going to trust God and allow him to turn my darkness into light.
O Lord, you are my lamp. The Lord lights up my darkness. 2 Samuel 22:29
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